11 February, 2008

You Know You Need To Get Laid When

  1. With great horror you realize that you could grow a huge icky fly-eating mole right on the middle of your stomach and it would have absolutely no impact on your sex life.
  2. The old man at work who calls you “Lady Longlegs” is beginning to not look so bad. Maybe even a little cute in a hairy-eared gremlin kind of way.
  3. You catch yourself singing “Little Lady Awesomepants” to the tune of “London Bridges Falling Down.”
  4. The cute college intern refuses to come near you after you sniffed him one too many times.
  5. Watching your dogs licking each other makes you really jealous. And maybe just a tittily bit turned on. The bitches. THIS IS WHY YOU GOT FIXED.
  6. You know that your fiftysomething parents are getting way more action than you are and you kind of hope Dad breaks his hip. (Oh that’s not nice.) Fine. Fractures his hip.
  7. You press your ear to the shared wall every night, desperately hoping that by being within a twenty-foot radius of someone else who is getting laid will bring you some sort of cosmic boning.
  8. You find yourself reminiscing about the good ol’ days of high school sex with your boyfriend who couldn’t spell orgasm let alone give you one.
  9. You actively avoid the condom aisle because last time you were there it heckled you.
  10. Every time you leave your hand alone for more than thirty seconds it wanders down to your crotch.
  11. Every time you wake up in the morning your hand has wandered down to your crotch.
  12. Every time you’re in front of a mirror you stare at your crotch screaming WHAT DID I EVER DO TO YOU?!

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