11 February, 2008

Naughty Horoscopes: Astrology Below The Belt

February 11-17, 2008: Here’s To A ‘Vulvacious’ Valentine’s Day.

ARIES: On Feb. 14, your ruler Mars is up for the game and how. But before that ambitious cock or rarin’-to-go pussy of yours sets his or her sights on setting a new one day record, have mercy on your would-be conquests. Some may be more vulnerable than you realize at first glance and could expect much more of you than the quick fuck or day-in-the- hay you have in mind.

Feb. 17 is a great day for Geminis like Kendall Brooks to join the Mile High Club.
TAURUS: Your best bet for satisfying sex this V-Day cums through revisiting your past and/or being open to a return engagement with someone older, wiser and more appreciative of your talents and techniques than your average young airhead. For most of 2008, age before beauty should be your sexual mantra. A former hooker, madam, or ex-con with a triple threat cock would be yours for the asking.

GEMINI: Typical for the dual nature of your sign, your sexual/romantic self finds fulfilling “sexpression” and relief in two distinctly different modes this week: Venus in Capricorn on the 14th goes for something or someone with a rich sexual past and with a wad of discretionary dollars to blow on some young and energetic thing. On Feb. 17, all bets are off when Venus enters Aquarius and you bolt for the nearest airport to join the Mile High Club. Bring your passport and avoid those terminal bathroom stalls.

CANCER: Who needs drugs? The intoxicating combo of the Sun, Neptune, and Mercury retrograde in your eighth house of sex has you so far gone, that you don’t know whether you’re cumming or going or even who’s cumming or going. The next few days is a good time to implement a guest book policy -- insist that visitors sign it before entering your bedroom. If all else fails, hire a temp who can keep a secret to be your room monitor.

Virgos like Puma Swede should mix business with pleasure this week -- preferably under the boardroom table.
LEO: It’s a challenge to resist the temptation of a fox at work, or the advances of a hot new delivery guy or stud in the mail room, but know that he or she will not go away quickly. In fact, you could be obliged to service and subsidize more than one sexual interest through the rest of the year. Can you afford the time, money, and eventual disclosure? Venus enters your seventh house on Feb. 17 and sexual decisions made next week are likely to be less of a problem. You CAN have it all, just not all the time.

VIRGO: Saturn retro in your sign and ruling your fifth house of sexual adventures leaves you no choice but to discreetly mix business with pleasure. You are challenged to pleasure yourself and others while keeping up a front of pristine functionality. So much can be achieved under a boardroom table or in the loo at a power lunch and you clean up after hot sex better than anyone else. Cover your tracks and your bases: people are watching and they WILL talk.

LIBRA: And now for something completely different: Though Feb. 14 might have to be devoted to someone or something more traditional, Venus leaves Capricorn on the 17th and enters Aquarius and your fifth house of love. Let freedom ring! Experimentation is the only way to burn off all that negative sexual karma from your past. You may have to do a little community service, but that’s okay, isn’t it?

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