31 January, 2011

Worst Sex Advice Ever (For men)

1. When she leans down to pick up her napkin, say, “While you’re down there…” and leer at her while you push your crotch out. Then when she laughs awkwardly, huff and tell her parents—who invited you to dinner—that “their daughter has lost her sense of adventure.”

2. Initiate sex with her when she’s late to take the kids to school, while she’s on the phone with her sick grandmother, or 30 minutes after she falls asleep.

3. During sex, grab your partner’s belly and shake it while making menacing Jabba-the-Hut sounds. Then say you’re just kidding. Girls love a guy with a good sense of humor.

4. Call her by your ex-girlfriend’s name. Often. Then tell her you only do it because neither of you will do that thing he likes. You know…that thing that Samantha did. Then never explain who Samantha is or what she did. A girl likes a man with mystery.

5. When your girl has food poisoning and is throwing up things she ate in 1982, huff loudly and say, “Well, I guess we won’t be having sex tonight!” That way, she’ll know you care. About her vagina.

6. Insult all of her friends. Except for the ones that you point out that you would have a three-way with. That way she knows she’s special and that you have discriminating tastes.

7. Sleep with her sister. That way she’ll know you love her family, too.

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