How To Not Get Caught Cheating

* Text Messy—You may think you’re being sly with “ILY,” but what you’re really doing is leaving a trail. Ask married Detroit Mayor Kwame Kilpatrick whose steamy texts to an equally married aide became painfully public.

* Cubicle Canoodling—Or, the work fling. Even if the bosses aren’t reading your emails, there’s no way this affair is going to stay private. After all, most of any given workday is devoted to distracting oneself from the task at hand and what’s more interesting than gossiping about who’s doing who?

* Family Feud—Sleeping with a member of his family (other than the one you’re wedded to) is not only tacky, it’s begging to get caught. And really, aren’t holidays unpleasant enough? No one can forget Woody Allen and Soon Yi Previn.

* Teacher’s Pet—Debra Lafave and Mary Kay LeTourneau are but a couple of lady teachers who’ve experienced that most forbidden fruit—their students. And since teenage boys aren’t really discrete, these ladies subsequently were punished for their dalliances. Even if you’re a professor at Harvard, this ain’t okay, prison or not.

* Nanny Diaries—What is it about a woman who knows her way around a diaper? The irresistible aroma of baby powder? I don’t get it, but both Ethan Hawke and Robin Williams married their childrens’ former caretakers. Much like hooking up with a member of the family, these affairs inevitably get found out and are messier than anything you’d find in a nappy.

* Husband Swapping—Playing doctor with your friend’s husband is just plain old bad form. Sure, you might end up with your own reality show while your friend gets shuttled off to rehab, but do you really want that on your conscience? Karma will come looking for you.

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