Know Your Asshole Footprint

Regrettably, some Americans are simply not aware of how large an asshole footprint they leave on the planet. Here, Vanity Fair offers a questionnaire that will help such individuals determine the size and breadth of their footprint. If you answer "yes" to four or more of the questions for your age group, it is incumbent upon you to take urgent measures to reduce your asshole footprint.

For ages 26–39

1. Do you work in an office with a Foosball or Ping-Pong table?
2. Do you run a T-shirt company that specializes in flimsy apparel that runs small and whose designs are essentially appropriations of old advertising and TV logos from the 1960s and 70s?
3. Does it take more than two words to describe what you do for a living?
4. Have you or has anyone in your close circle of friends written a roman à clef about being a rich socialite, working in publishing, working in film, bonking the help, or any combination of the aforementioned circumstances?
5. Do you refer to ordinary male pastimes and accessories with such terms as "man-cation," "man-date," "man-purse," "man-orexic," and "man-olos"?
6. Before you go out bicycling, do you first change into iridescent spandex shorts and a skintight spandex shirt with a gaudy pattern recalling a 1990s screen saver?
7. Do you refer to having young children as "doing the parent thing"?
7a. If you do indeed have young children, have you launched a blog, or, worse, a video blog, about raising them?