27 January, 2010

Women,there is something wrong with your vagina

I am FUCKING SICK of products meant for women to change the look, smell, taste, and feel of their genitals. Beyond the basic hair removal and the porn aesthetic of hairless, petite, "cute," vulvas and labia that are shoved in our faces, there are a plethora of other ways that you can fix those pesky problems with your vadge.

Don't like the way your vagina smells? Get a douche! Because your vagina should smell like "fresh scent," or "island splash." Why on EARTH would anyone ever want a vagina that smelled like, you know, vagina? Forget the fact that douching kills the good bacteria that kills the bad bacteria and keeps your vagina healthy. And the fact that it screws up the pH of your vagina. Or that vaginas, like ovens, are self-cleaning. If douching kills the good bacteria, this means there's more bad bacteria, which probably makes your vagina smell bad. So, in effect, douching actually causes the problem it's trying to prevent. ALSO, NO ONE SHOULD EVER HAVE, OR WANT, A FLORAL SCENTED VAGINA.

Don't like the way your vagina tastes? Get a breath mint for your vagina! Yes, that's what your vagina needs: a breath mint. Because, just like vagina shouldn't smell like vagina, it also shouldn't taste like vagina. Never mind the fact that there's sugar in these mints, and sugar feeds yeast, and excess yeast in a vagina creates: A YEAST INFECTION! Screw the health of your vadge. What really matters is the TASTE of it. AND IT SHOULD BE MINTY FRESH.

Is your vagina too loose? Try a tightening cream! So much less expensive than vaginal rejuvination! You can buy Hold Tight, or, my personal favorite, Liquid Virgin. Because, god forbid, your ELASTIC VAGINA stretches out during sex! Or, you know, is a little looser after pushing an 8 pound baby out of it. And because people don't have genitals of varying sizes. No woman ever thinks a man's penis is too small or too large-- it couldn't be possible that maybe vaginas vary in size, too. No, every vagina should be tight tight tight. Like a virgin. Virginity is hot, man. All that pain, and bleeding, and awkwardness of having no idea what you're doing. It's something that you should want to recreate every time! And everyone knows that the opposite of tight like a virgin must be loose like a whore, and no one wants to be a whore, AMIRITE? Or, you could always just restore your virginity. To avoid being stoned to death for being a sluthoor, obvi. Read on >>

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