13 July, 2009

9 People Who Kill The Mood During Sex

9. The Over-Attentive Waiter
“How’s everthing? Good? Am I putting too much weight on you? Is this position okay? Oh, are you okay or did you make that noise because you like that?” It’s fantastic that you care so much about your partner's enjoyment, but when you feel the need to check in every time you move your genitals, it starts to take a hot situation and make it feel like you’re a waiter trying to butter them up for a 20% tip because rent's due tomorrow. Just check in at necessary times and if they want dessert, they’ll order it.

8. She Who Keeps Cats in the Room
Here’s a complete list of things cats give a shit about: Cats. Therefore, they don’t care that you’re sharing an intimate moment with a man, they want you to pay attention to them, so they start meowing or positioning themselves so that you’re the only thing they can see. And although you’re not bothered by your cats, the guy on top of you might be a little creeped out that Mittens has decided to engage him in a staring contest, first one to lose an erection wins.

7. The Guy that Answers Rhetorical Dirty Talk Questions with Serious
Dirty talk is like playing in a coed softball league: it’s a fun activity, but if you take it too seriously, you look like an asshole. Dirty talk questions are part of a fantasy that makes sex hotter. Therefore when a woman asks you five times in a row, “How do you make me so wet?” and you give a real world answer like, “I don’t know, maybe the angle.” And even though you whispered it in your sexy voice, it’s a real answer and thus, kills the mood.

6. The Person Who Doesn’t Turn Off Their Cell Phone
When you have an erect penis, or a stimulated vagina, the last thing you want to hear is a midi version of Fleetwood Mac’s “Landslide.” Cell phone rings are intended to get your attention, that’s their job, so leaving one on while you have sex is basically the same as bringing your mother into the room and asking her to scream, “Hey! I have important news about your cousin, Kyle! He got into Brandeis!” over and over again while you try to reach orgasm. Which you would never do, unless you were German. Read more >>

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